The Tale of Toad, Part II

Part I

The next mission was to find and retrieve a pious man called ‘Gregor’. Every time an enemy scarred him, he would draw his blade across the scar to make a cross. The fact that his wounds did not cause infection provides proof that the B_______ has truly blessed him (praise be, unto both heads).

Soon after, more Friends of Giants Society folk came by, and informed us of a tower where someone collects artefacts from the time of giants.

As we journeyed North, in search of Pious Gregor, we found ourselves beset by a boar-man, with regenerative abilities.

Where, upon a pig-headed man, does cannibalism begin, and where does it end? The moral answer depends on how full your stomach is. Poopy’s answer was Radical Empiricism. Maia didn’t think much of the question, which is to be expected from someone who has sharpened her own teeth.

It was at this point the worst evil befell us: as the beast-men attacked in the night, Poopy had forgotten to tie up the donkey (it was not my turn!). The attack went badly. Poopy died. We found ourselves without tents, rope, or lard. The donkey had fled with the lot.

Despite our situation, we continued searching for Gregor throughout the North. We found more vampires - from some other clan - hiding in underground shelters they use to hide from the daylight. We waited until all were inside, wrapped chains around the coffins, and pulled them all up at once, into the Sunlight.

With only one vampire left alive, we held its toes in the light until it confessed the location of Gregor, and the grand Vampire Village in the West, controlled by on ‘Alistair’ - a fearsome, and ancient man, who doesn’t even pay his servants. Instead, he simply stupefies them with some kind of stingeomancy, so they don’t ask for payment.

Arriving at the palace, exhausted and hungry (and without eating any part of the beast-creatures which may be considered cannibalistic), we made our way through by simply acting like dim servants who don’t need paid.

In the bowels, we found Gregor, drained of all life, emaciated to the point where Poopy could comfortably fit him into a backpack. It was a heroic battle, and Poopy died, but returned to us with an extra arm.

We rescued some choice magical scrolls from the place before someone dropped a candle, and we had to leave before everything turned to ash.

In total, we rescued:

• A cursed tiara which emanates blinding light.
• A cursed monocle which allows one to see in the dark.
• A cursed scroll of magical missiles (each casting adds another missile, and each missile strikes only one target).

We returned with Gregor through many hardships across the plains. Poopy died again during a beast-men attack, and we came upon an old mining village. The local religious nutters thought Poopy (with his wings and hunch) was an angel, and decided to actually listen to him.

I’d rather not talk about that time.

With Gregor safely back with the bishop, he paid us well, gave us his own donkey, and gifted us our next mission. We would find a red key that some fat guy had.

In the meantime, Poopy could not remember how to read scrolls properly, or carry much weight, due to compounded weakness from so many deaths. He tattooed his scroll of gloop-form onto his body, which worked great, mostly. The only problem with the tattoo was that when he had a nightmare, the tattoo would activate, making Poopy gloopy in the middle of the night, soaking the sheets, and disturbing my donkey.

Going South, past cannibal-ghouls in the graveyard (which is why we don’t eat the man-parts of the beast-men), we eventually located the fat git with the red key at his house.

Terrifying geese (i.e. ‘geese’) guarded the house. Ten thousand ghouls crawled inside. The lighting system was terribly complicated. Morons in black chain fought us at every turn. Poopy died valiantly, and returned, weaker than ever, with voices in his head.

Further inside the house, we fought for days. Blood ran down the halls. Even the Blessed-Ass Donkey (BAD) did his share of the fighting. The interior design provided bigger problems though; what kind of fuck-head architect has a set of rooms between two hallways? Why did the rooms have random holes? Who builds a house out of wood, knowing that vampires visit often?

When all felt futile, Poopy lifted our spirits by finding an alchemist’s laboratory with a dead giant. With my knowledge of science, and some alchemist there to assist me, I managed to make the undead giant imprint upon Poopy as if a parent.

Soon after, we found the red key, killed the fat guy, and left with his armour (it fits me perfectly). Maia found a flaming sword, which she uses to sharpen her teeth while also blackening them.

(also some idiot demon is hunting us, but we just buried him up to the nose to stop him resurrecting. He already killed Poopy once)

With the red key delivered to the bishop, and payment given, the bishop at last shared with us a fragment of a holy map, which might point the way to the true location of the bones of St. Gravis. So North we went.

Unfortunately, we took a wrong turn in the mountains, and found ourselves blocked by a cliff. We could not descend without endangering the BAD. The only hope lay in a mysterious cave. Thunder roared, lightning struck, and we saw a troll in the distance, sniffing the wind.

We entered the cave, with a lantern strapped to the donkey’s neck, and about two week’s rations for three people loaded onto its back. Inside, the tunnel branched two ways. We took the lower path, hoping to find a route down the mountains. We found only a dark drop to blackness, and the sound of something climbing up the precipice, climbing as fast as a donkey runs.

    |  |
    |  L--
    |-----
    |  |
    |  |
    | precipice
    ---------------
    | room of skulls

Poopy used the lantern to scare it. The thing lost its grip, and fell, comically. We descended using the spiderweb crossbow to lower the donkey gently.

In the darkness at the bottom, ten thousand skulls (human, animal, and others) lay strewn. Then the creature returned, and we saw its true nature: a vampiric giant.

At this point, Maia remembered she had a flaming sword. We slew the beast, but lost a lot of blood. Also, Poopy died, and returned even more clumsy and feeble than before.

    |  |
    |  L-------------
    |   ---------1  |
    |  |         |  |
    |  |         |  |
    |  |         |  |
    --------|       |
    |   ----|    |  |
    |  |         |  |
    |  -----------  |
    ----------------

The tunnel forced us to walk up, and soon the entrance lead us back out to the troll.¹ We fought bravely once more. Poopy died.

We continued North.

Part III